The Pursuit of Happiness
Rachel turned the round knob of the radio until the static turned into a repeating beat, and the faint sound of instruments could be heard on the torn up speakers. Her skirt was starting to pull up from her waist, and her bare legs stuck to the old leather seats like saran wrap on a piece of steak. She pulled the old Cadillac’s mirror and looked at herself. It was too hot to leave the windows up, but all the time she had spent on her hair looked like it was nothing but a waste of time now. The drag she took on her cigarette lit up her face and she admired her makeup in the glow of the mirror. Her eyes were dark and mysterious, just like she wanted. When she was younger she kept a picture of Katharine Hepburn by her mirror as inspiration. Her mascara was a little too thick over one eye, but there was nothing she could do about it now. The steady beat from the radio faded back into static and Rachel slapped the power button to the off position. The static faded and now the only sound was the dull roar of the engine, and the evening air pulling through the car.
The tree’s made a strange echo as she passed by them, and the car sounded more like the wind than a machine. She took another drag on the cigarette and let it sit in her lungs. The thought of dying young made her laugh, and she looked at the warning label on the side of the pack.
“If only it could be so easy for me.”
She took another drag before she put the cigarette back into the ashtray, and then flipped on her lights. Driving home from work at this hour was always strange, during the winter it was dark, but during the summer there was still daylight. Now that fall was starting to set in, she had the worst of both. It was too bright for her headlights to help, but too dark for her eyes to see enough. She let go of the cigarette and put her hand back on the wheel. Another car passed going the other way and she gently raised her hand from the wheel as a polite gesture.
“Fuck if I know who that was.”
As she placed her hand back on the wheel the last rays of sunlight hit the glass on her finger. She looked down at the small ring and shook her head. It had been two years since she had been married, and nine years since she was really happy. She stared down at the white line on the side of the road and lost herself in thought. She thought back to when she first met Jake. He had worked on her father’s farm for a few months before they really ever talked, but that’s not to say she didn’t have feeling’s for him. He was young, and handsome. Rachel was young and stupid. She would bring water out to her father, and always make sure to have enough for everyone else in the group, just so she could smile when she held out the pitcher for Jake. He would usually smile back, and he was always the only one to say “Thank you” or nod to her. A few months passed before she finally had the gumption to finally talk to Jake directly for the first time.
“So Jake, when are you going to ask me out to dinner?”
She laughed now, but only at her own stupidity. A week later Jake asked her father if he could date his daughter. Her father agreed, but only on the pre-tense that he treat her nice, and he paid for dinner. Her dad even went so far as setting the time, and location of the date. When the day finally arrived Rachel spent the entire afternoon getting ready and picking out an outfit. She had picked out a cute sundress that had yellow flowers on it, one that showed off her figure, but wouldn’t make her father cross. She could still remember sitting on her bed and waiting, then hearing the doorbell ring. She could remember hearing the sound of her father walking up the stairs, and then counting his footsteps until he stopped. She could still remember the sound of the knocks on her sister’s door from her bed. How they sounded so close, but still miles away. Like the sound of thunder that is on its way, but still not quite here.
Lee was always a nice sister, but as older sisters went, she was dull. She hadn’t had a boyfriend since high school, and when Jake asked if he could date his daughter, Rachel’s father assumed he meant her. Lee was not ugly, but she had flaws. She was skinny as a rail, and had long dark hair. When the two girls stood next to each other Rachel was always picked as the pretty one, but Lee was older and her father was not about to let his oldest daughter become an old maid.
Rachel pealed her legs from the seat and let the cool air flow between them. The sun was setting the sky on fire and her mind started to drift again. A few months later Jake and Lee got married. Jake stayed around on the farm to help her father, and when he retired Rachel’s father left the farm to Jake. He even left him the house, when he moved out. Rachel could still remember the day they moved in. Lee was pregnant, so Rachel helped Jake move everything in. They talked a little bit about what might have been different if her father had gotten the right girl that night and what life would be like for them now. How they might be the one’s moving in, and how she might even be the one pregnant. She still remembered how good it felt when he finally said it to her.
“Well, if you want you can stay here with us. I can’t promise it’ll be perfect, but we can try.”
It was seven years since they first met, and Rachel felt like things were finally catching back up. The next few months were like she always had imagined they could be, Jake would come home from the fields and they would all sit and have dinner. Rachel would make dinner, and Lee would clean the table. Jake would always hug them both, and tell them he loved them, then clean up and go to bed. Rachel was happy, but like everything else in life, it faded. Once Lee had her first baby, all Jake’s time was spent taking care of his son. It only got worse once Lee got pregnant again. He would come home and go right to them, take care of her, and ignore Rachel. She tried to get pregnant too, and even thought she might have been pregnant a few times, but each month she would find the same red stains on her underwear, and the same cold spot on the bed.
Rachel looked on the passenger’s seat at the plastic pharmacy bag. There was a box of prenatal vitamins, a ovulation test, and fertility pills. She peeled her bare leg from the leather seat and pulled onto the dirt driveway of the farm. The lights were still on downstairs.
My Collective Conscious 